Coined from a write-up by Amanda Anderson.
There are many ladies, myself included, who are living lies and rejecting the truth even though its such lies that has caused us the most aches. Most of us have gotten this whole relationship thing wrong, so wrong that our relationships look no different from marriage. In essence, about 70% of black women are single, but probably at least 40% of those women are still playing "home". This generates a question- Does it make sense to perform wifely duties if technically, we have no husband? Lets air some misconceptions:
- A boyfriend doesn't automatically translate into husband.
As black relationships and marriages continue to fail, there has been a surge of desperation in woman. it is this desperation that has many single black women treating boyfriends as husbands. Now this premature label does hold power, and no, it is not harmless. As we begin to call our boyfriends our husbands, we begin to act like wives. Don't get me wrong, its a fact that it is the qualities that a man sees in a woman that makes him decide if he would consider moving the relationship forward. However, there is a discourse in that why would a man, especially a 21st-century-thinking man, consider taking a relationship forward when he already gets the benefits that come with marriage without the added commitment or the label?
There is another problem in that "the new world"under the guise of "civilization" teaches us it is OK to have a live-in partner without the commitment. So you hear guys come up with absurdities such as "I do not like the idea of commitment", "What is the point in giving it a label anyway when it won't last?", "i will like to know what sex with you feels like before we take this further" etc.and in our bid to not appear "backward"/ 21st century non-compliant we prematurely submit to their terms thereby becoming baby-mamas, cooks, cleaners but then call fowl when the man decides to abandon this "pretend marriage", which is the usual fate of these kind of relationships where the woman has become a "wifey".
- So what exactly is a "wifey"?
Amanda said "Wifey is an immature title that just reeks in the ignorance of our failure,as women, to understand the difference between dating and marriage. Since wifey is wife with an unnecessary letter attached to the end, it’s clear that this term was invented to add an unnecessary obligation to the unmarried woman".
So is it fair to say that the average man today want a wifey but not a wife?.
- What does a woman have to gain in a pretend marriage?
Nothing actually, but amazingly, she has everything to lose in such a faulty relationship. In our pretend marriages where we have been ignorantly labeled as wifeys or pretend wives, we are giving our complete selves to our pretend husbands. Which makes me wonder, what more can we give when/if we then become married?. We give so much to a boyfriend that it then becomes overly repetitive when it truly should be a "new experience" for the one who becomes husband.
Let's think as black women where our society operates on certain cultures and traditions. There is a reason why our culture dictates that a man should bring a price when he comes to the family to seek a woman's hand in marriage. Over the years, I have found that these "troubles" are essential in making the man appreciate a woman even more. That's not to say that all of these marriages then work out however, in comparison, the woman is looked upon with a lot more respect that one who settled for "less". So in essence, there’s no rings involved, no legal proof, and most importantly, no true vow taken in front of God; yet, we are still giving our complete selves to men who have not given us their complete commitment.
As I have already said and as some of you may point out, a woman, from being a wifey, gains experience in how to be a wife. This draws on some more questions:
Does one need experience to survive marriage?
I figured it’s best to look at the couples who have been married for many years, and survived a world that has changed, and yet still manage to love their spouse and honor their vows.
Usually, these couples are married 20 years or more. They come from the earlier generations, and they view relationships and marriage completely different from our own generation.
You’ll notice a few things with them:
1. At least 90% of them did not "shack up" prior to marriage.
2. Depending on the generation, they didn’t even have sex before marriage.
3. They recognized the stark differences between marriage and dating/courting, and treated each in respect to their allotted differences.
4. Marriage was viewed as an "upgrade" from dating, and not merely an exact entity that has no real difference.
5. They valued marriage.
6. Some didn't even know what their man looked like until the day of their wedding. This practice still stands in some cultures more that others
Technically speaking, they had no experience when they married their spouse of over 20 years, yet today, they are still married.
So why all of a sudden have we allowed ourselves to be deceived into thinking we need to live together before we get married to stay married? Or that we need to have a taste of sexual pleasure with our partner to know if they are worth committing to? Not condemning the Western culture however, its this notion of "civilized thinking" that has resulted in broken values in families and their societies as a whole. We blacks follow suit, albeit blindly, at the expense of upholding our rich values and traditions. Its sad to see that 70% of black women are single, and the ones playing "home" become so miserable in their pretend marriages, that they begin to wonder if real marriage is even worth it.
As the adage goes; "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
Let’s stop giving away our "milk" ladies and begin a movement in bringing back the sacredness of marriage.
There is a reason why God created these rules and admonitions, There is a reason why He set boundaries of what is acceptable and otherwise; in and out of wedlock.
